Lately I have been thinking about this a lot. I never wanted to be a SAHM. I figured if I would ever have kids I would continue to work, and although I am a "reluctant" stay at home right now because I'm not being hired-I realize I'm not as reluctant as I thought. I want to be home with my baby, I want to raise him, and be with him through his firsts of everything. However, it's not like our family can afford this luxury either. My husband works really hard to make ends meet and I feel bad for not financially contributing. He of course supports my decision whichever it may be... And that's the problem I don't know what I want. I have all these conflicting feelings. I want my career, a job in my field, my own money (I'm too prideful and independent to "ask" for money even if it is supposedly "our" money). I feel guilty for wanting this, for being selfish and considering leaving my child. I feel guilty for staying home, for not providing, for not using my degrees. The last part gets to me a lot. Although I'm not one to care about what people will say I wonder if they'll think "what a waste, all that time and money in school and not even using it."
It's amazing the kind of pressures we women put on ourselves-we don't see men, fathers doing this to themselves. What's the difference? The social stigma? How can we change it?
All these questions and no answers-but this is what I do know for sure:
1) I love my son and being with him
2) I hate not having my own money
3) I don't like being dependent on someone else
4) Im tired of being in debt
5) financial conversations make me uncomfortable
6) there's no one hiring me (and I am applying)
I guess number 6 makes up mind for me (for now). But the question remains stay at home mom or working mom and will I ever feel secure in whatever decision I make?
