Gender roles, stereotypes and double standards

A conversation at work about the roles of man and women got me thinking and inspired this post.  A male coworker mentioned that there seem to be a dichotomy in the train of thought in some "self-proclaimed" independent women he knew. They were all about "not needing a man" yet would  always asked him to carry something heavy for them because he was a man and strong. So, it got me thinking...is there a double standard when it comes to gender roles?

For example, if a man asked a woman to clean up, organize etc at work because she was better at it since she was a woman people would probably label that as him applying a gender role and stereotyping. However, if a woman asked a man to help her with something heavy or to go do a "heavy job" at the office and he was offended or denied to do it, people (and perhaps more women than men) would call that rude, that he wasn’t a team player and/or overreacting.  Isn’t this considered a double standard? When did it become acceptable to apply male gender roles but not female ones? Why is it that society readily accepts men stereotypes and gender roles? Is it because they are deemed “oppressive?” Is it because men are still the “power” gender and thus cannot be seen as being picked on? Where do we draw the line of “respect” and “considerate” to “stereotype?” In the name of equality is being considerate lost?

I hope not, and I don’t think so. I plan to raise my son to open doors for people, offer his seat to the elderly, pregnant women, etc., help carry boxes and yes offer to pay for dinner. However, if I have girl I plan to do the same. I was raised to be self-sufficient, to never expect a man to buy me anything (because they always want something in return my mom would tell me, but I digress), and the only expectation to have out of a relationship was respect and love not money. 

Ultimately, I hope that my child does the above things because it’s the polite, respectful and considerate thing to do not because of his gender. 

What do you all think?  Are men being stereotyped? Do any men out there feel like they are being stereotyped? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. 

Until next time, deuces y’all. 

First year and party planning

My little one is almost 1 and typing that makes me want to cry. I find myself looking party stuff  to celebrate his birthday and I cannot believe it has been a year (almost). A year ago  I was still pregnant, wondering what my little dragon would look like, now I'm begging for time to stop because I cannot believe this little baby running around (yes running, he's walking already) is the same baby I held in my arms and was afraid to break in the hospital. I want a pause button but of course time just keeps moving forward and he's going to keep growing..

So I must get my act together and PLAN his darn party! Of course I had to go and choose the hardest out there, "dragons." He's my dragon-bear and I figured since the baby shower was bears, his first birthday would be dragons. Why is it so difficult to find stuff? Or is it me? I have to admit planning a party with a baby is not as easy as when I would plan my niece's birthday parties. AND the fact that the more I plan the more real it gets that he is getting older. One thing I am having a hard time deciding are party favors.. To give or not to give?  Ah motherhood, I would never had thought that would be one of my hardest decisions. Wish me luck! I'm going to need it. 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

If you started to read this entry with the hopes of getting a step-by-step guide on how to self-love-I'm sorry I misled you. See one of my new year's resolution was to be more self-compassionate, to love myself more. Like any other new year's resolution-it was abandoned a long time ago and yes I am aware we are only four months into the year. In my defense my new year's resolutions have not been my priority because my physical health was taking its toll on me in February. However, now recovered it's time to focus on my mental health. I realize that my self-appreciation is slim to none. For example, I went to the nail salon this past weekend, sans baby to "treat" myself, yet t it felt anything but. The whole time I was wondering if what I was doing was "worth" the money I was spending. I really meant-was I worth it to spend money on me. That's when it hit me. I have to stop. Why do I feel I'm not worth it? It's a simple luxury, an event we don't think twice about and here I was having a mental war about it the whole time I was there. I do that every time I think about buying anything for myself...
I don't take "time" for myself, because I don't have time to "waste" like that. I don't even look in a mirror.  It's actually quite sad. I'm glad I don't have a little girl because I wouldn't  want her learning this from me-that's she not worth her own time.
I have been aware of this problem but it just seems like my self-deprecating view is getting worst. When I DO look in the mirror I have such a dysmorphic view that perhaps that's why I don't bother with them. I am aware of the problem now how do I fix it?
How do I become more forgiving of myself, more compassionate and allow myself to enjoy life? I'm not sure, like I said this not the post with steps that lead to "eternal happiness." All I know is that it  can't stay like this. I 'm tired of making myself second to everything, and I notice that even loved ones treat me that way too and it's because I allow it. After all people treat you the way you treat yourself and if I don't make me a priority why should others?

Time flies and I stay behind

Where have I been? I should've been posting about my attempts to follow through with my resolutions, and complaining about this and that and how I can't believe we are practically half way through the third month of this year, blah blah, blah. (which is true, time is flying-but I digress). Unfortunately, I was in the hospital last month. It all "started" late January, little pain here, little pain there. Extreme pain here, soreness there. Then, pain will not cease,  I start throwing up one night, and bam end up in the emergency room. I'm thinking they'll give me something for the pain, follow-up with primary doctor, and life goes on. NOPE, I need surgery. My gallbladder is swollen, I have gallstones. Ok, easy surgery no big deal, will be home in a day or same day. But like anything with me, it's not so simple. I end up with an infection, blocked ducts and liver issues. My one day stay turns into 8 days, two surgical procedures and a very SLOW recovery. If my life were a movie, the tagline would be "why does it have to be so complicated?" The worst part of it all I  miss time away from my son. I miss his first Valentine's day, his six month birthday, I miss many firsts, his first fruit, etc. Eight days of not being with my son, and then once home, two more weeks of not caring for him. Not being able to hold and comfort him after getting his immunizations... February pretty much sucked.
I'm still recovering physically, emotionally and mentally (not to mention we are recovering financially) and February is a distant memory... and I can't help but think "it's only March?!" Ah perception, it's a funny thing..
Until next time, "deuces y'all" ;)

New Year's resolution

Merry Christmas! (Kind of late I know) or better yet Happy Holidays (since I missed Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice). Anyway, its few days before new year's eve and we will be in 2013 in a week! I am not much for new year's resolution because when I used to do them they were the generic "lose weight" ones that I never really kept. (and this was when I was actually thin-smh what was wrong with me I don't know); but I digress.
I want to do goals, attainable new year's resolutions because I am good at meeting my goals (to the point of tunnel vision but that's another story). So, with that in mind here is what I have come up with (I may add and/or delete before next Monday) but here's what I have so far and why:

1. Practice self-compassion ( I have to stop being so hard on myself and less depreciating. This will be the most difficult goal but I cannot continue with the way I am right now. I do not want my son growing up thinking its ok to beat oneself up.)
2. Don't scream at my husband (I suck at communicating my feelings so I keep things in and then blow up this actually applies to everyone that I should communicate my feelings more to but I put hubby because the poor guy gets the brunt of it and he's awesome for putting up with it).
3. Be "less humble." I need to be proud of my accomplishments and stop being "embarrassed" by them.

That's all I have for now, and I have to create action plans to so I can start practicing these goals, if anyone has any pointers by all means let me know. Also, let me know, what are your new year's resolutions for 2013?

Decisions, choices and guilt..

Stay at home mom (SAHM) or working mom? 

Lately I have been thinking about this a lot. I never wanted to be a SAHM. I figured if I would ever have kids I would continue to work, and although I am a "reluctant" stay at home right now because I'm not being hired-I realize I'm not as reluctant as I thought. I want to be home with my baby, I want to raise him, and be with him through his firsts of everything. However, it's not like our family can afford this luxury either. My husband works really hard to make ends meet and I feel bad for not financially contributing. He of course supports my decision whichever it may be... And that's the problem I don't know what I want. I have all these conflicting feelings. I want my career, a job in my field, my own money (I'm too prideful and independent to "ask" for money even if it is supposedly "our" money). I feel guilty for wanting this, for being selfish and considering leaving my child. I feel guilty for staying home, for not providing, for not using my degrees. The last part gets to me a lot. Although I'm not one to care about what people will say I wonder if they'll think "what a waste, all that time and money  in school and not even using it." 

It's amazing the kind of pressures we women put on ourselves-we don't see men, fathers doing this to themselves. What's the difference? The social stigma? How can we change it? 

All these questions and no answers-but this is what I do know for sure:

1) I love my son and being with him

2) I hate not having my own money

3) I don't like being dependent on someone else

4) Im tired of being in debt

5) financial conversations make me uncomfortable 

6) there's no one hiring me (and I am applying) 

I guess number 6 makes up mind for me (for now). But the question remains stay at home mom or working mom and will I ever feel secure in whatever decision I make?

Time and Gratitude

Why is it that when I have time to blog-my brain goes totally blank and all those great ideas and thoughts I had when I didn't have time to write them down go out the window? Sitting here as my son naps (wow I have a son) I realize A) wow it's November, B) it's almost 3 months since my son was born C) practically a year since I got pregnant, which leads me to the question: Where does the time go?
Why does it feel like the year has flown by and left us behind running after it? I find myself saying "oh if only I had the time I would do (fill in the blank) yet when I have the "time"I tend to forget what it was that I wanted to do.. but I digress and I am rambling and wasting time.
So, we are in the month of November and Thanksgiving is coming up, the one day out of the whole year we remember and make time to be thankful, (we are all guilty of doing this). Some of the moms of  an online group I belong to decided to do "22 days of thankful" in which everyday they write something they are thankful for (leading up to Thanksgiving), I thought it was an awesome idea,  and I joined them.
If you have read this far I thank you for taking the time to read ramblings about gratitude and time, (and yes I'll stop now).
So, I end this blog with the question: What are you thankful for?