My baby is two weeks old this week. It's still hard to fathom that I actually gave birth this little piece of heaven. Unfortunately, bringing him to this world seemed anything but heavenly. In celebrating his 2 week "birthday" I thought I would share his birth story and perhaps in doing so come to terms with my feelings about it.
It all started on Friday, August 10, with the doctor telling me he wanted to induce on my due date because of my gestational diabetes, although the baby wasn't big and I didn't have any complications except that my blood sugar was not in control even with diet. I asked him if we could wait a few days after my due date and then decide if to induce, he told me it was possible if I was already dilating and effaced. Needless to say, he checked and I was not dilated at all or effaced at all and he made the appointment for me to go in on Sunday. I really didn't want to but he said it was for the baby's safety and so I went with it because of that. All of Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning I spent it trying to naturally induce, and help my body "open" in hopes to avoid pitocin and induction. But it was to no avail and the time came to go to the hospital.
Once I was checked in and checked out the nurses and the on-call doctor kept making references to the fact that I may be sent home because I wasn't favorable for an induction since I was still not dilated or effaced, which was music to my ears. However, they had to check with my doctor and he said to continue with the induction. At 6pm Cervidil was inserted, which looks like this little strip of paper that has to be inserted into the cervix. It was painful and invasive but after the insertion I was ok, and although I had contractions nothing major happened over night. On Monday at 6am they removed the Cervidil and checked. I was maybe a fingertip open and still not effaced at all. My cervix was way up high, and posterior while the entrance was very narrow; making the cervical checks very painful. I had 3 different people check me before they agreed that I was prob NOT dilated. They called my doctor to see if he wanted another Cervidil or pitocin. He went with pitocin and that was at 7am. At 11am I got another cervical check and I was at 3cm but still not effaced at all. By 12pm almost 1pm I had not progressed and so my doctor said to continue with pitocin until 5pm and then discontinue, let me eat and rest and start up again by 1am. By this time my contractions were more frequent and intense so they lowered dosage because baby's heart beat was too agitated. At 5pm they completely stopped pitocin, but I continued to contract on my own. I still ate and rested, and believed I had progressed because contractions were on top of each other and intense. At 1am I was woken up by the nurse asking me if I felt ok while she put on a oxygen mask on face and telling me my baby's heart rate had dropped a lot. They checked I was still at 4cm and not effaced at all. They waited for baby's heart rate to rise, and kept "buzzing" him so he would be more active. At 2am they began pitocin again, but right away baby's heart rate dropped again. They kept buzzing him. Contractions were right on top of each other and very intense. We thought this was it.. But after another very painful cervical check cervix was still high and posterior and so at 3am they decided to break my water, and apply censors on my cervix and baby (which took 2 tries since they couldn't reach my cervix) at the end of this I was sobbing because of the pain (not the contractions but cervical checks).
This is what led to give in to an epidural, I was told I was going to get cervical checks every hour on the hour and they were gonna have to do sensor procedure AGAIN because they didn't put them right. That combined with the realization in the back of mind that I was probably going to get a C-section since I wasn't progressing and probably have to get it anyway I got epidural around 5am. It took a few minutes for it to work but at least by the next check I was numb. I was at 5cm but not effaced and still posterior, they placed the censor again and it STILL didn't work. By then I was shaking uncontrollably and started throwing up. By early morning I hadn't progressed, my lips started turning blue and my baby's heart rate had dropped again. They kept the pitocin going but didn't upped dosage anymore. By 8am I was still at 4-5cm, and cervix had not come down at all. It's then they realized I had a fever and my baby's heart rate was erratic up and then down. They called my doctor who decided it was c-section time. They started prepping and while on the operating bed I started throwing up again. They waited and began c-section, by 9:26am on August 14 J was born, he had moved positions (sunny side up) and that's why he wouldn't come down. He came in at 6.6lbs, 20.5inches. My fever went up to 103 and he had a fever too. I was able to carry him a few minutes then he was taken to NICU and me to observation to lower fever. 1 1/2 hours later my fever was down and I got to see J at the NICU, had 10min of skin-skin contact and then taken to recovery. I didn't see him again until the next afternoon.
All the things I feared, dreaded and wanted to avoid happened. But I had my baby and so I didn't put it together, the nightmares I started getting automatically, the anxiety in closing my eyes, still hearing the heartbeat machine or feeling like the oxygen mask was still on my face. I was traumatized by my birth experience. I understand that everything that happened was for the best of the health of my baby but in the back of my head I can't help but think that I had not given in to being induced perhaps all of it could have been avoided. My body wasn't ready, my baby wasn't ready and so all these invasive procedures were done that have left me feeling violated, and so I still have the nightmares, I still have hard time going to sleep. I haven't really spoken about it to my husband, family or friends because I don't want to seem a drama queen. After all birth is a simple, natural thing women have been doing for ages- then why does it seem so complicated postpartum to me?
