A Dragon Party

Yes, I am aware it is seven months later that I am posting but better late then never, right? So, my son's first birthday had to be dragon-themed because he is my dragon.  I started looking things up on Pintrest when I came across this blog and fell in love with her ideas: My House of Giggles.  I "stole" her dragons made out of construction paper idea and her banner. Here is how they turned out:

One of the many dragons made by my BFF

The Birthday Banner

I set up a station all about J, with a collage of his "Firsts," a chalkboard poster and "Write wishes" Stars and a time capsule box.

The Chalkboard poster was all done on the computer and I found the awesome tutorial here.  She gives you the background and the site for the fonts, and you can pretty much use a program like Powerpoint, Paint, Photoshop elements or if you are on a MAC (like me) Preview. It took a lot of drafts but it worked and I was very proud of myself (after all I am not crafty remember?). 

Finished product, printed at Staples and glued onto a black poster board. 

However, the project I was most proud of was the birthday banner I created with all of J's pictures from newborn up until 12 months. Simply Real Moms has a very easy, step by step directions on how to do it.  However, in the excitement of the party I did not take a picture of the hanging banner (sadness I know). I did take pictures as I created the banner so here it is:

...

 The birthday cake was awesome! it was made by Rossmoor Pastries and they did a phenomenal job with the cake and smash cake. (Unfortunately, it was after J went at it with smash cake that we discovered he is allergic to egg)

Dragon Cake!

Cute Smash cake that J enjoyed smashing

Of Course the party would not be complete without a dragon piñata :

Last but definitely not least I leave you with J's wonderful smash cake outfit I got from Etsy

All in all it was an awesome dragon party, and a great first birthday party. I'm so glad I took the time to make most of the stuff because I think that made it extra special. Until next time!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year 2014! It's been quite a bit of time since I last posted (I know I promised part 2 of "Dragon Party" I haven't forgotten). Life as always has been hectic, now a mother of a toddler (EEK!) time is ever more scarce. Anyway, the holidays were great, seeing them through the eyes of a child made me enjoy them immensely and having family time was refreshing. However, it's time to go back to "work" and make this new year prosperous. So as last year, I am posting my resolutions for this year, although I am calling them goals for 2014:


1. Pay off most of my debt
2. Take the CHES exam (it's a certification test for health educators)
3. Manage my time better. I procrastinate a lot and waste a lot of time
4. Move to a bigger apartment
5. Get back on track with healthier lifestyle and stay on track (hope to lose at least 15lbs by my birthday)
6. Meet some of "mommy friends" from my online mommy group.

I'm hoping the time management will give me more time to do things like post on here more often, and finish projects I've long ago started. (Anyone remember the quilt I wanted to start? How about the yearbook of my son's first year?) Yup, I need to get on track! So, if anyone has any great ideas or tips on time management,
throw them my way I am determine to stop procrastinating..so much.

As for last year's resolutions, they are still a work in progress, I consider accomplished in the sense that I am practicing self-compassion and reminding myself to be kind to me. It's not something that can ticked off a list because it's something that needs to be done continuously, and practiced all the time.
 Anyway, what are your new year's resolutions or goals? How do you plan to accomplish them? Help a girl out  (and everyone else) and post tips if you have them.
Happy New Year!

First Birthday!

I (of course), was way too busy with birthday stuff to post on my son's actual birthday (last Wednesday), but just had to update y'all.  On his birthday we spent the day doing J's favorite things. My husband, J and I went to the park, chased him, played with his ball, ate his favorite food and he had his first cupcake. My goal was to hold him and take as many pictures as I could. For on the day he was born I wasn't allowed to hold him for long and don't have the proverbial picture of mother holding baby, while on the hospital bed right after birth-BUT I digress.
It was truly an emotional day, I can't believe I am now a mother to a one year old, I have a toddler, I survived the first year! A year that I probably couldn't have gotten through without the support of my loving, understanding husband, my parents, and close friends. I have a special thanks to my Mommy group, who I feel so close to  and truly cherish them. Love you ladies!
It's been a surreal year, it went by so fast and I can't wait to see what else is coming-although I confess I don't want my baby to grow up.
Anyway, last saturday we had his birthday party and it was awesome-sauce! It was a lot of work but I loved how it turned out. As I had mentioned before it was dragon themed. I am so grateful to the people who helped us celebrate and share this very special day for my miracle baby. However, I think the dragon party deserves a post of it own so stay tuned for that. Happy birthday to my dragon-bear (yes a week later), once again and I can't wait to continue this journey.

 Fun at the park!

 I cherish every hold :)

Daddy is the best!

Cupcake YUMMY!!

 My whole world :)

Gender roles, stereotypes and double standards

A conversation at work about the roles of man and women got me thinking and inspired this post.  A male coworker mentioned that there seem to be a dichotomy in the train of thought in some "self-proclaimed" independent women he knew. They were all about "not needing a man" yet would  always asked him to carry something heavy for them because he was a man and strong. So, it got me thinking...is there a double standard when it comes to gender roles?

For example, if a man asked a woman to clean up, organize etc at work because she was better at it since she was a woman people would probably label that as him applying a gender role and stereotyping. However, if a woman asked a man to help her with something heavy or to go do a "heavy job" at the office and he was offended or denied to do it, people (and perhaps more women than men) would call that rude, that he wasn’t a team player and/or overreacting.  Isn’t this considered a double standard? When did it become acceptable to apply male gender roles but not female ones? Why is it that society readily accepts men stereotypes and gender roles? Is it because they are deemed “oppressive?” Is it because men are still the “power” gender and thus cannot be seen as being picked on? Where do we draw the line of “respect” and “considerate” to “stereotype?” In the name of equality is being considerate lost?

I hope not, and I don’t think so. I plan to raise my son to open doors for people, offer his seat to the elderly, pregnant women, etc., help carry boxes and yes offer to pay for dinner. However, if I have girl I plan to do the same. I was raised to be self-sufficient, to never expect a man to buy me anything (because they always want something in return my mom would tell me, but I digress), and the only expectation to have out of a relationship was respect and love not money. 

Ultimately, I hope that my child does the above things because it’s the polite, respectful and considerate thing to do not because of his gender. 

What do you all think?  Are men being stereotyped? Do any men out there feel like they are being stereotyped? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. 

Until next time, deuces y’all. 

First year and party planning

My little one is almost 1 and typing that makes me want to cry. I find myself looking party stuff  to celebrate his birthday and I cannot believe it has been a year (almost). A year ago  I was still pregnant, wondering what my little dragon would look like, now I'm begging for time to stop because I cannot believe this little baby running around (yes running, he's walking already) is the same baby I held in my arms and was afraid to break in the hospital. I want a pause button but of course time just keeps moving forward and he's going to keep growing..

So I must get my act together and PLAN his darn party! Of course I had to go and choose the hardest out there, "dragons." He's my dragon-bear and I figured since the baby shower was bears, his first birthday would be dragons. Why is it so difficult to find stuff? Or is it me? I have to admit planning a party with a baby is not as easy as when I would plan my niece's birthday parties. AND the fact that the more I plan the more real it gets that he is getting older. One thing I am having a hard time deciding are party favors.. To give or not to give?  Ah motherhood, I would never had thought that would be one of my hardest decisions. Wish me luck! I'm going to need it. 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

If you started to read this entry with the hopes of getting a step-by-step guide on how to self-love-I'm sorry I misled you. See one of my new year's resolution was to be more self-compassionate, to love myself more. Like any other new year's resolution-it was abandoned a long time ago and yes I am aware we are only four months into the year. In my defense my new year's resolutions have not been my priority because my physical health was taking its toll on me in February. However, now recovered it's time to focus on my mental health. I realize that my self-appreciation is slim to none. For example, I went to the nail salon this past weekend, sans baby to "treat" myself, yet t it felt anything but. The whole time I was wondering if what I was doing was "worth" the money I was spending. I really meant-was I worth it to spend money on me. That's when it hit me. I have to stop. Why do I feel I'm not worth it? It's a simple luxury, an event we don't think twice about and here I was having a mental war about it the whole time I was there. I do that every time I think about buying anything for myself...
I don't take "time" for myself, because I don't have time to "waste" like that. I don't even look in a mirror.  It's actually quite sad. I'm glad I don't have a little girl because I wouldn't  want her learning this from me-that's she not worth her own time.
I have been aware of this problem but it just seems like my self-deprecating view is getting worst. When I DO look in the mirror I have such a dysmorphic view that perhaps that's why I don't bother with them. I am aware of the problem now how do I fix it?
How do I become more forgiving of myself, more compassionate and allow myself to enjoy life? I'm not sure, like I said this not the post with steps that lead to "eternal happiness." All I know is that it  can't stay like this. I 'm tired of making myself second to everything, and I notice that even loved ones treat me that way too and it's because I allow it. After all people treat you the way you treat yourself and if I don't make me a priority why should others?

Time flies and I stay behind

Where have I been? I should've been posting about my attempts to follow through with my resolutions, and complaining about this and that and how I can't believe we are practically half way through the third month of this year, blah blah, blah. (which is true, time is flying-but I digress). Unfortunately, I was in the hospital last month. It all "started" late January, little pain here, little pain there. Extreme pain here, soreness there. Then, pain will not cease,  I start throwing up one night, and bam end up in the emergency room. I'm thinking they'll give me something for the pain, follow-up with primary doctor, and life goes on. NOPE, I need surgery. My gallbladder is swollen, I have gallstones. Ok, easy surgery no big deal, will be home in a day or same day. But like anything with me, it's not so simple. I end up with an infection, blocked ducts and liver issues. My one day stay turns into 8 days, two surgical procedures and a very SLOW recovery. If my life were a movie, the tagline would be "why does it have to be so complicated?" The worst part of it all I  miss time away from my son. I miss his first Valentine's day, his six month birthday, I miss many firsts, his first fruit, etc. Eight days of not being with my son, and then once home, two more weeks of not caring for him. Not being able to hold and comfort him after getting his immunizations... February pretty much sucked.
I'm still recovering physically, emotionally and mentally (not to mention we are recovering financially) and February is a distant memory... and I can't help but think "it's only March?!" Ah perception, it's a funny thing..
Until next time, "deuces y'all" ;)

New Year's resolution

Merry Christmas! (Kind of late I know) or better yet Happy Holidays (since I missed Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice). Anyway, its few days before new year's eve and we will be in 2013 in a week! I am not much for new year's resolution because when I used to do them they were the generic "lose weight" ones that I never really kept. (and this was when I was actually thin-smh what was wrong with me I don't know); but I digress.
I want to do goals, attainable new year's resolutions because I am good at meeting my goals (to the point of tunnel vision but that's another story). So, with that in mind here is what I have come up with (I may add and/or delete before next Monday) but here's what I have so far and why:

1. Practice self-compassion ( I have to stop being so hard on myself and less depreciating. This will be the most difficult goal but I cannot continue with the way I am right now. I do not want my son growing up thinking its ok to beat oneself up.)
2. Don't scream at my husband (I suck at communicating my feelings so I keep things in and then blow up this actually applies to everyone that I should communicate my feelings more to but I put hubby because the poor guy gets the brunt of it and he's awesome for putting up with it).
3. Be "less humble." I need to be proud of my accomplishments and stop being "embarrassed" by them.

That's all I have for now, and I have to create action plans to so I can start practicing these goals, if anyone has any pointers by all means let me know. Also, let me know, what are your new year's resolutions for 2013?

Decisions, choices and guilt..

Stay at home mom (SAHM) or working mom? 

Lately I have been thinking about this a lot. I never wanted to be a SAHM. I figured if I would ever have kids I would continue to work, and although I am a "reluctant" stay at home right now because I'm not being hired-I realize I'm not as reluctant as I thought. I want to be home with my baby, I want to raise him, and be with him through his firsts of everything. However, it's not like our family can afford this luxury either. My husband works really hard to make ends meet and I feel bad for not financially contributing. He of course supports my decision whichever it may be... And that's the problem I don't know what I want. I have all these conflicting feelings. I want my career, a job in my field, my own money (I'm too prideful and independent to "ask" for money even if it is supposedly "our" money). I feel guilty for wanting this, for being selfish and considering leaving my child. I feel guilty for staying home, for not providing, for not using my degrees. The last part gets to me a lot. Although I'm not one to care about what people will say I wonder if they'll think "what a waste, all that time and money  in school and not even using it." 

It's amazing the kind of pressures we women put on ourselves-we don't see men, fathers doing this to themselves. What's the difference? The social stigma? How can we change it? 

All these questions and no answers-but this is what I do know for sure:

1) I love my son and being with him

2) I hate not having my own money

3) I don't like being dependent on someone else

4) Im tired of being in debt

5) financial conversations make me uncomfortable 

6) there's no one hiring me (and I am applying) 

I guess number 6 makes up mind for me (for now). But the question remains stay at home mom or working mom and will I ever feel secure in whatever decision I make?

Time and Gratitude

Why is it that when I have time to blog-my brain goes totally blank and all those great ideas and thoughts I had when I didn't have time to write them down go out the window? Sitting here as my son naps (wow I have a son) I realize A) wow it's November, B) it's almost 3 months since my son was born C) practically a year since I got pregnant, which leads me to the question: Where does the time go?
Why does it feel like the year has flown by and left us behind running after it? I find myself saying "oh if only I had the time I would do (fill in the blank) yet when I have the "time"I tend to forget what it was that I wanted to do.. but I digress and I am rambling and wasting time.
So, we are in the month of November and Thanksgiving is coming up, the one day out of the whole year we remember and make time to be thankful, (we are all guilty of doing this). Some of the moms of  an online group I belong to decided to do "22 days of thankful" in which everyday they write something they are thankful for (leading up to Thanksgiving), I thought it was an awesome idea,  and I joined them.
If you have read this far I thank you for taking the time to read ramblings about gratitude and time, (and yes I'll stop now).
So, I end this blog with the question: What are you thankful for?

Birth- simple and complicated

My baby is two weeks old this week. It's still hard to fathom that I actually gave birth this little piece of heaven. Unfortunately, bringing him to this world seemed anything but heavenly. In celebrating his 2 week "birthday" I thought I would share his birth story and perhaps in doing so come to terms with my feelings about it.

It all started on Friday, August 10, with the doctor telling me he wanted to induce on my due date because of my gestational diabetes, although the baby wasn't big and I didn't have any complications except that my blood sugar was not in control even with diet. I asked him if we could wait a few days after my due date and then decide if to induce, he told me it was possible if I was already dilating and effaced. Needless to say, he checked and I was not dilated at all or effaced at all and he made the appointment for me to go in on Sunday. I really didn't want to but he said it was for the baby's safety and so I went with it because of that. All of Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning I spent it trying to naturally induce, and help my body "open" in hopes to avoid pitocin and induction. But it was to no avail and the time came to go to the hospital.

Once I was checked in and checked out the nurses and the on-call doctor kept making references to the fact that I may be sent home because I wasn't favorable for an induction  since I was still not dilated or effaced, which was music to my ears. However, they had to check with my doctor and he said to continue with the induction. At 6pm Cervidil was inserted, which looks like this little strip of paper that has to be inserted into the cervix. It was painful and invasive but after the insertion I was ok, and although I had contractions nothing major happened over night. On Monday at 6am they removed the Cervidil and checked. I was maybe a fingertip open and still not effaced at all. My cervix was way up high, and posterior while the entrance was very narrow; making the cervical checks very painful. I had 3 different people check me before they agreed that I was prob NOT dilated. They called my doctor to see if he wanted another Cervidil or pitocin. He went with pitocin and that was at 7am. At 11am I got another cervical check and I was at 3cm but still not effaced at all. By 12pm almost 1pm I had not progressed and so my doctor said to continue with pitocin until 5pm and then discontinue, let me eat and rest and start up again by 1am. By this time my contractions were more frequent and intense so they lowered dosage because baby's heart beat was too agitated. At 5pm they completely stopped pitocin, but I continued to contract on my own. I still ate and rested, and believed I had progressed because contractions were on top of each other and intense. At 1am I was woken up by the nurse asking me if I felt ok while she put on a oxygen mask on face and telling me my baby's heart rate had dropped a lot. They checked I was still at 4cm and not effaced at all. They waited for baby's heart rate to rise, and kept "buzzing" him so he would be more active. At 2am they began pitocin again, but right away baby's heart rate dropped again. They kept buzzing him. Contractions were right on top of each other and very intense. We thought this was it.. But after another very painful cervical check cervix was still high and posterior and so at 3am they decided to break my water, and apply censors on my cervix and baby (which took 2 tries since they couldn't reach my cervix) at the end of this I was sobbing because of the pain (not the contractions but cervical checks). 

This is what led to  give in to an epidural,  I was told I was going to get cervical checks every hour on the hour and they were gonna have to do sensor procedure AGAIN because they didn't put them right. That combined with the realization in the back of mind that I was probably going to get a C-section since I wasn't progressing and probably have to get it  anyway I got epidural around 5am. It took a few minutes for it to work but at least by the next check I was numb. I was at 5cm but not effaced and still posterior, they placed the censor again and it STILL didn't work. By then I was shaking uncontrollably and started throwing up. By early morning I hadn't progressed, my lips started turning blue and my baby's heart rate had dropped again. They kept the pitocin going but didn't upped dosage anymore. By 8am I was still at 4-5cm, and cervix had not come down at all.  It's then they realized I had a fever and my baby's heart rate was erratic up and then down. They called my doctor who decided it was c-section time. They started prepping and while on the operating bed I started throwing up again. They waited and began c-section, by 9:26am on August 14 J was born, he had moved positions (sunny side up) and that's why he wouldn't come down. He came in at 6.6lbs, 20.5inches. My fever went up to 103 and he had a fever too. I was able to carry him a few minutes then he was taken to NICU and me to observation to lower fever. 1 1/2 hours later my fever was down and I got to see J at the NICU, had 10min of skin-skin contact and then taken to recovery. I didn't see him again until the next afternoon. 

All the things I feared, dreaded and wanted to avoid happened. But I had my baby and so I didn't put it together, the nightmares I started getting automatically, the anxiety in closing my eyes, still hearing the heartbeat machine or feeling like the oxygen mask was still on my face. I was traumatized by my birth experience. I understand that everything that happened was for the best of the health of my baby but in the back of my head I can't help but think that I had not given in to being induced perhaps all of it could have been avoided. My body wasn't ready, my baby wasn't ready and so all these invasive procedures were done that have left me feeling violated, and so I still have the nightmares, I still have hard time going to sleep. I haven't really spoken about it to my husband, family or friends because I don't want to seem a drama queen. After all birth is a simple, natural thing women have been doing for ages- then why does it seem so complicated postpartum to me?

How long has it been?

So much has happened since the last time I posted, and not only has time passed but major events that make the previous posts on this blog feel like a lifetime ago have occurred. I meant to write about all these major events but of course these events got in the way and I never got to write about the experiences. So what am I talking about? Well. in January I found out the "impossible" had happened. I was pregnant. After discussing fertility issues with my partner and deciding to try treatments after our wedding- it happened before we had even announced our engagement; and so in January I became engaged and pregnant. We decided to move up the wedding before the due date since I knew I would want to focus on the baby once he would be here and so the crazy, stressful, memorable, hectic (shall I go on?) wedding planning began. Fast forward to May and the love of my life and I became husband and wife. Fast forward a few more months more and in August we met our little miracle baby.
Anyway, a summary of what has happened in the last 8 months is not the purpose of me blogging again, but it is to share my feelings and experiences that I am now embarking on.  Being a wife and a mother was never really in my book. It was just something I never saw myself doing, too busy with future plans that involved school, finishing and getting my dream job. The idea of being a mother went completely out the window when in 2010 my doctor confirmed what I always suspected- I had fertility issues. By then I was with my love and was liking the idea of having a family of my own, just to have that dream pretty much torn down. But I digress- God gave me what I secretly always wanted but publicly and very vocally always denied and rejected. And so now a wife and a mother I encounter what I've never really been good at "real life." I've always been great at being a student, a book-learner,  but always (in my opinion) been socially awkward, and not so good at being a "student" of life. I'm used to calendars,  schedules, lesson plans, books, Straight As and perfectionism, which "real" life (and a newborn) has no room for apparently.  Thus, I figured that it was time to get this blog started again and share this new path I am traveling on.

Enjoy!

I cried last night, don't ask me why

I cried last night, don't ask me why.
Was it because the emptiness seemed to engulf me?
Was it because I missed someone?
Was it because I am overly emotional and I need to stop watching sentimental shows?
I cried last night, don't ask me why.
Was it because I realize that I'm back at square one?
Was it because I have no job or prospects?
Was it because this country is slowly tumbling down like the roman empire?
I cried last night, don't ask me why.
For it could have been all of these things and none of this things,
and I just don't know why.
All I know is that I cried last night.

The new scapegoats: Latinos

Didn’t think I would be writing another blog so soon. But as always CNN’s Carol Costello, FB statuses and the responds to those posts has made my blood boil. I am so sick of people’s ignorance. Seriously, if there was any doubt that our education system has failed, please look at those replies. Some people are so uninformed and ignorant, which wouldn't be so bad I suppose except they tend to attack people with their ignorance.  So again for people in the cheap seats. LATINOS does NOT equate ALL  Mexicans. LATINOS does NOT equate all undocumented people, (“illegals”). It is not the fault of undocumented workers that this country is a recession. It’s the fault of big corporate America with their tax breaks, government bailouts and two wars.  Undocumented workers did NOT take your jobs, they are doing the jobs you (and I for that matter) WOULDN'T do. And do NOT come at me with that crap that if those jobs would pay more people would take those jobs because then people would complain about prices going up on produce and the like. I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, STOP SCAPEGOATING. Things will only change if we ACT.  Write to your congress representatives, call, visit, DEMAND that they stop trying to lie to us and manipulate us away from the truth. That we demand change for the BETTER and that we wont accept SCAPEGOATING any longer. Do the same with the media who fuel lies, and sensationalize the truth. go out there and VOTE, and/or educate others about the REAL issues and the importance of voting. It is only when we take a stand, together against injustice, against corruption that OUR country will get better.

Carol Costello CNN

Why do we have to be so complicated?

It’s no surprise that we tend to overcomplicate relationships. Although many believe relationships are and should be complicated, that is not the case. We need to look at it objectively. With our girlfriends we tend to communicate every detail of our lives, tell them what we like and what we don’t like. If we have issue with them, we bring it up on how much that is hurting us, etc. However, when we get in a romantic relationship we tend to botch this type of communication. We want them to “know” how we feel. That he (or she) “should” know how that made us feel without ever telling them, because if they loved us, they will just “know.” Our friends love us, and we don’t assume they should know how we feel so why the sudden change with a romantic partner?

Which brings me to another point, I tend to be picky with my friendships. I tend to keep friends who are friends, loyal, kind, loving, supportive, respectful; and I believe most people look for that in friends. So why is it that the bar lowers when looking for a romantic partner? If standards are so high for friendships shouldn’t those standards be the same if not higher for a romantic relationship?

I am not an expert in relationships; I’m not even married, (which seems to be the epitome of successful relationships to some), but I do know this, that a relationship should enhance our life not bring it down or be our whole life. I once was told some very good advice, “it’s not about following your heart or following your brain, it should be about listening to both and adding your gut.” If all three are in concurrence then we won’t be steered wrong.

A Tale of Three Cities

For the last year and half I have been a nomad. I don't really have a stable home. My time has been split up between three cities, Los Angeles, Long Beach, and San Diego. I probably spent more time in my car than anywhere else. "I have no home" I complained. I have felt like a guest in my "own" home, and felt like I didn't quite fit in anywhere. Now that I don't travel to San Diego I thought things would be simpler. But, I miss San Diego, I miss the drives down there (sometimes) and mainly I miss the people. I met the most wonderful set of people, all with their unique personalities and wonderful ideas and opinions. As "corny" as it sounds I became attached to my group of people and they took part of of my heart. Los Angeles of course has my family (the one I was born into and my chosen one), and I love being near them, yet I long for my other home; I ache when Long Beach tugs at my heart. If "home is where the heart is," then my heart is split in three. It's a tale of three cities and although it's definitely not tragic as Dickens "Tale" it does leave one to ponder, "Where is home?"

It's been a year..

It's been a year since I decided to go to school in San Diego. I had plans to get a job there and move there. Of course, life never goes according to plan. I didn't move, but I don't regret it (although I do admit I regret the commute), for I realize had I moved I wouldn't have been here during my family's time of need. This is especially true with what happened a week ago. My father had a stroke and I cannot imagine not being by his side right now.
I am reminded of how time flies now, and although I still feel like a teen sometimes (I don't know what that says about me, but you can be the judge of that), I realize I am an adult, I am older, and so are my parents. I am more aware of their mortality and the thought terrifies me. Perhaps, it is morbid to think this way, to think that my parents will die that it is just a matter of time.. but I do think about it.
I always said death wasn't to be feared, it was just another process of life, another step, even a release to those who were suffering. But as I grow "older" my thoughts now go to those left behind, and so I ask how do we reconcile the fact that we all have to die one day, with the fact we don't want to lose our loved ones?